Visions of hell: #1 LAX
Well, I am just devastated. I have been amusing myself for the last several hours blogging how I am keeping sane while sitting in LAX Terminal 4, only to find that my iPad has eaten all my insight! Where is the save button on this thing?
It is a good thing I am bored enough to chew my own arm off. It means that I am not completely overwhelmed by the prospect of recreating the last few hours of spontaneous prose.
Fortunately, nobody reads my blog except close relatives and friends, and then only when I tell them to. I don’t think I am having an Adriana Huffington moment here.
So, where was I?
14:30 arrived T4. proceeded to first class lounge.
14:31 exhausted entertainment possibilities of first class lounge.
14:32 browsed bookshop. Read numerous book jackets. Sneakily read chunks of other books. Got teary (I am very tired…) over the travails of Mo the elephant. Bought the latest travel writer confessional, Elle magazine and today’s New York Times. Thus prurience, fashion and highbrow political comment get equal weighting (as they should). Also tissues (Mo’s reunion with her keeper was very affecting).
14:45 have now explored all available non-duty-free options. Seriously considered “I heart LA” merchandise in various forms, but bravely resisted (I really don’t heart LAX and I can’t comment on the rest).
14:55 have exhausted the possibilities of the tiny tiny tiny duty free shop. If it doesn’t have ethanol in it (grog, perfume), don’t bother. Bought gifts, considered gin. Discovered purchases would be confiscated at point of sale and not returned until point of departure. As main point of gin was to minimise misery of time between point of sale and point of departure, abandoned purchase.
15:05 return to lounge. Have entertaining discussion with New Zealand chicken vet who invented mycoplasma vaccine (true). Discover possibilities of APEC Business Travel card. Further investigation required. Investigate cheeseboard in meantime.
17:00 visit qantas service desk in attempt to wheedle upgrade to first class. Discover first class not an option on this flight (curse you 747!). However humiliation of being turned away and knowing more privileged and important people on flight averted. Satisfied that can assert self as most busy and important person on the plane (if I cared). Eat cheese.
17:05 discover free wifi. Attempt to download entire series of Torchwood: Miracle Day. Due to entirely unreasonable throttling of broadband access, am satisfied with episode three and half of four.
18:00 calculate entire calorie intake for the day. Consider impact of time zones. Consider that day so far appears to have lasted approximately 37 hours. Consider option of further cheese. Consider potential future tightness of trousers. Eat cheese. Trust in transit across international dateline to reset daily calories acceptably.
19:00 have shower. Now will arrive in brisbane only slightly smelly. Phone home. Home still there.
20:00 investigate wine list (well, fridge…). Elle magazine exhausted. Novelty of cheese waning. New York Times becoming increasingly attractive. Nervously check departure gate (same as it has been for last 6 hours).
21:00 visit wine fridge. Still there. No fine vintages have magically appeared in last hour. Decide Chardonnay required to alleviate last minute nerves. Delete nuisance emails (nobody works on Saturday except automated IT notifications, don’t know why I bother).
10:00 go to gate. Better early than never…
11:20 taxiing away, hooray!!!