Hardship Posting (my new home in London as told by Fungus the Bogeyman)
Back in Bristol after two days in London waiting for my airfreight to show up. One day someone will explain to me how they can move a person in 20 hours, but 6 boxes take 28 days to travel the same distance. On the way back, I’m going by container…
Have the key to my new home, and frankly, I’m disappointed. I would have expected a far more likeable residence on a company ticket. I don’t know where to begin to complain.
Firstly, the building is more than 100 years old. Just to make a point, here is evidence of the building from around 1900. I was so hoping for one of the finer examples of post-war Brutalist architecture, such as the Trellick Tower. It is rumoured that Ian Fleming so despised the architect of this building, he named one of his most famous villains after him. Why couldn’t I have found such an unlovely residence instead of being walked around tasteful flat after tasteful flat.
My hopes were dashed again when I got inside – a century-old building conjures warm thoughts of rising damp, balky hot water systems, sculleries and the smell of boiled cabbage. Instead I get downlights, cedar blinds, hot water boosters, anti-tamper locks and 24-hour security. It’s enough to make you weep.
The location is even more awful. My near neighbours include the Royal Academy, the South African Ambassador and Edina Monsoon. I can’t even get the blood flowing in my legs before I am amidst the nightmare temptations of Kensington High Street. Habitat, Muji, Laura Ashley, Marks & Spencers, the Whole Food Market, Zara – it’s a litany of horror. One block from Holland Park, 10 blocks from the V&A, what am I to do?
I looked for a grim and nasty way to walk to work – it’s the antique shops of Kensington Church Street, Palace Gardens or Hyde Park – dismal. I thought I could increase the grimness quota by diving into the Tube – 5 minutes (literally 5 minutes) from Kensington High Street to Paddington. Not even enough time to catch a cold from somebody.
I can only console myself with the thought that I managed to spend an alarming amount of money in only two days – but doesn’t that faux fox throw look divine…
And just to top it all off, I’m told the managing agent is absolutely charming.
BTW – if you’re not a fan of strange childrens’ books, more on Fungus the Bogeyman here…